A Little Writing Vent

The week is long and the breath I used to sigh is tired. I had almost no time to write. That above all is the most disappointing thing. Speaking of disappointing, the world is constantly force-feeding me relationships that require me to forfeit my freedom and drag along human sized sacks of uselessness that have no handles. interpret that with a pinch of salt and pepper to boot.

What am I even saying? Is what I say meaningful or does it matter?

no.

I could simply give up. But who really just gives up? What is the actual point of saying things have reached a point that I will no longer continue doing anything at all related. Once, I felt like that. I felt like I was losing my mind. I was trapped in a relationship that I knew was doomed, demoted at a job where I thought I was nailing it, and struggling with self image (internal stuff). I decided to quit everything all at once.

I cried a lot that night. From my apartment window I could see the sky clearly. However, the tears in my eyes blurred the vision of a beautiful starry night. I poured a drink. It was Macallan 18. I recall the warmth I felt drinking down the glass of a substance that I had just recently said I would not drink again.

The darkness had me. I can feel it reaching again for me now.

I poured again. This time I cried as I drank much slower than the first glass. I have a habit of scrubbing my fingernails along my beard when I am anxious. I recall looking down to see the skin and hair on my black tank top. I suddenly had an idea.

The idea was to contact a friend who was known to indulge in… Substance. The friend had an ever open invitation to participate. My idea was a bit darker than just a little pity party. I wanted everything to stop. The world wasn’t fun or nice anymore. All of those who were supposed to protect me were hurting me and I was doing the same to the ones that I was supposed to protect. The darkness had me.

“Sure man, I got you. But that is a lot…” He said after I called. “Im already in for the night. But if you come by I got you.”

I was in no condition to to drive. I remember I couldn’t even find the keys. I decided to walk.

The journey was long and I was rabid. A drunken mess transforming between a crying blob, a laughing dolt and a screaming demon.

I walked all the way his house. It took hours. I had to cross the freeway running. I remember looking into the sky at the stars and prying for a painless exit. I ran across the freeway without stopping to check for cars, I hoped over the divide and heard a long distorted honking that I ignored as I ran. I stumbled into some succulents on the other side. Maybe some also vera. I don’t know, the darkness…

I remember being excited as I approached my friend’s address. I felt hope. Maybe if he wanted to talk or just listen to me cry for a little while. Maybe he could drive me home and I could just chat to him a little. I reached for that light.

It faded into darkness as I came to his mailbox. A note stuck in the door.

Hey Man, Im super tired but here is something that should do the trick. Don’t take too many it’ll mess you up. Just give me the 300 when I see you next. Peace.

What a fool I was. I was cold in my tank top. My feet hurt from the I sank back into the clutches of the darkness. Deeper this time.

In the back of the mailbox was a ziplock bag full of little grey pills with yellow writing and a blue stripe. I thought they were a weird way to end my life but then I thought of my relationships, my job, my broken life and I clutched that baggy. It wasn’t quite two in the morning yet, I could find a liquor store If I ran. I could get enough to last me until I got home to my own supply.

I did just that. I drank a whole bottle of E and J then disregarded the bottle.

I was home now. I was so tired. I felt sick in the pit of my stomach. Like this past week, I just wanted everything to be over. I wanted to skip to the end of the book and see how it all ended. Good. Bad. Whatever. I just wanted it over.

I didn’t bother with a cup I drank the rest of the 18 straight from the bottle. I took a handful of pills with the first pull. Then another. Then another. I began to panic. My heart rate accelerated and the tears flowed.

My son. Was I really going to leave him like this. His mother would wake up and find me on the couch. Probably happy that I am gone. I closed my eyes so tight. I poured the rest of the bag of pills into my hand. I stared. The bottle was empty. I tried to stand to go get more alcohol. I did stumble but I recovered.

I came across a bottle of Grey Goose vodka. I didn’t like vodka. I remember making a face that said ‘yuck’, then I laughed. What did it matter? I ate the rest of the pills and washed them down with vodka. It was done. I was going to be free.

Staggering to the couch I started to write a note but I kept passing out. As my vision faded I had one last fit of panic, why was my body fighting so hard to stay in this vile world? I fought back. I relaxed I let the poisons take their course. My breathing settled. I winked out. The darkness had me now. And I had the darkness.

My alarm went off.

I woke up on the couch. My first thought was ‘You can’t even kill yourself right'.’ For some reason that made me laugh.

“Shut up I still sleep!” I heard through the door. If this was death it was just as bad as life.

How had I botched this up? I had to scramble to get dressed for work and I had a hangover from the underworld. I got dressed and was headed out of the door when I saw the note. The suicide note. I could hardly remember writing it. It was addressed to my five year old son. I balled it up and shoved it into my pocket as I ran down the stairs to get into my car. At the third traffic light my phone rang. My job. I was late and they wanted an ETA on when I was to arrive. I told them ten minuets when I knew it would be five.

I bolted into the door and made my way to my seat. I used to have an office now I had a cubicle. No sooner had I sat down then my new boss tapped me on the shoulder and did the ‘come here’ motion with his stupid fat finger and then turned around before I had a chance to acknowledge I saw him. I stayed there hoping I would get a call so that I had a valid excuse to make him wait.

No call.

I shuffled down the hall. I had to of wrecked of alcohol. My legs felt like anvils.

“Hey Boss.” II said with a fake smile.

“Sit Down.” He said. I did.

“You know. You are great guy and you have done a lot for this company over these last few years. I want you to know it wasn’t my decision to demote you. in fact if you would like I want to offer you a spot on a new team that I am building. Keep it quiet cause you are the first person I am telling about this. You don’t have to answer now but let me now if you are interested and we can work things out. You won’t be able to come in here smelling like a liquor cabinet but you won’t be chained to a desk either. Alright, get to work.”

I walked out f there confused. I went to the restroom to wash my face and swish some water around my mouth. I made plans to get to 711 so I could get some electrolytes at lunch time.

I looked at my phone and saw a text from my friend. “How’d it go last night, man?” I decided to go outside and call him.

“What kind of pills did you give me?” I asked at one point n the conversation.

“I think those were my dad’s restless leg syndrome pills.” He said.

“Why did you give me that?” I asked.

“You sounded like you were going to do something stupid. So I improvised.”

I love him. He is still my friend today. It was months later that I was up giving a presentation with my new position. I was in Nevada up on stage. I said something funny and then reached for the water that they provided for me. I sipped.

I reached into my jacket pocket to locate the laser pointer for the presentation and found a balled up piece of paper. I opened it up.

While I was having this week I got a text from my son. ‘Dad, I landed safely in Japan! Also, Look at these pants!!!’

The darkness calls but it will never have me. And in an interesting turn of events I now have the darkness. Yet, ever so often it feels strong…

I am so happy that I am here to get that text.

Hopefully next week the Exercise will be complete.