Old Writing Exercise PT.1

I am trying an exercise that I think will be fun. My friend, an artist, who is test reading Book One of the God’s, the Gallows and the Fallen: Fractured Divinity, (Tentative Title) has given me some feedback and I created this exercise to help me in future writing.

I took an old excerpt that I had from an unfinished novel. Mind you, this was written over twenty years ago, it is graphic and distressing (Like most of my writing) and it is frankly kind of bad. Anyway, I will be posting that here with all of its flaws. Please forgive any offense. Or don’t.

Over the course of the next week I will attempt to rewrite the excerpt with all of the growth that I hope that I have and with a specific plan to address the issues of confusion in action, dialog and pace that the test reader has observed.

I feel like there is a lot that needs to be explained by way of what is happening in this scene but I am not going to explain it. It’s just an exercise. However, I do love zombies, and thought this incorporated an interesting take on them that I will be using in the future in the Seftime Universe.

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An excerpt from the Chapter Sledge’s Slope

From Book 3 (or 4) of Being

By CMJ

There were no longer any options. Running had exhausted itself a long time ago. Fatigue and hunger was settling in on the troops and the cold was piercing through the Elites that did not have Cold Uniforms.  

Serepha sat polishing her shield. As if it weren't buffed enough already. It is all she did. She knew that it helped nothing but she wasn't used to having so much freedom yet, and could not help herself.  

Javakis was talking to a group of Elites about their options. Serepha didn't know why. There were none. In the days past she had tried to voice her opinion. But these Elites were the type to know everything. Everything was data and algorithms with them. They knew nothing of the Hunt. Besides, who would listen to a maiden of the shield who had no sword to protecter. Sadness. She sat polishing her shield.  

A young passed by and gave her a nod. Blonde, like her. But much taller. Everyone seemed to be taller than her here. She eyed the Young's sword. It always fascinated her, the look of such things. There were so many of them here; mostthe Elites carried them. She thought that was odd.  

All of them carried what they called casters. A slim tube that blew out air and gas at an impossible speed. The swords made little sense to her. They were generic looking and matched the uniforms of those that carried them. Serephapolished her shield.  

"Maiden!" A voice shouted. It was Arem. A tall slim Elite that was pretty but a bit strong jawed. Serepha jumped to her feet and slung her shield on her shoulder. She trotted over to the group of Elites.  

"Hello Maiden." They all gave a deep bow. Why, she did not know. They seemed to revere her as some sort of deity. More than likely because of her connections to Aremeth. "Javakis, wanted to ask you a few questions about our pursuers. We have never encountered such a persistent group." Arem finished. Javakis then joined in the conversation. Serepha was learning all of there names.  

She still had not figured out how Javakis and Ravalin were considered to be twins or how their names were considered to be the same. Or why that was so funny to everyone. But she did like this group.  

"As you may know we are in a corner and our Elites are in no condition to fight." Serepha looked down at their boots a bad habit she had. 'But their boots were so nice.’ Not like what she was used to on Ermet. She looked up and scanned the group as Javakis went on. "We want to send a small convoy to try and communicate with our superiors..."  

She drifted off again looking at the capes of these Elites. Had they put as much thought into their exit strategy as they did their wardrobes, things might be different.  

The group was encircled around a type of chest. It was a long deep chest that was not sealed at all. It had apparently been found at Keeps Cave and it contained some weapons that looked beautiful to Serepha. These Elites seemed to think these weapons had magical properties. But then again she thought they were magic and they thought she was a goddess.  

Javakis went on, "I also want to get these items safely back into the hands of the Facility. Creeus will try to create an energy field large enough to get the vessel airborne and into a nearby Slip Stream. I would like you to accompany Creeusand his squad."  

Javakis was a strong leader. He was tall and moderately attractive. His skin was the color of creamed santum and he was a Black Eyes. His hair was like the wool of an animal although neatly trimmed. He had a very nice smile, due to his lips that seemed maybe to be more fitting on a female. He loved to laugh and his laugh could be heard afar when he was with friends. And it seemed everyone was his friend.  

He stretched out his hand to Serepha and handed her a small token. A coin. "This gave me luck. Everywhere I have ever been with that coin, I have been granted luck. Take it with you and when I see you again return it to me."  

Serepha did not even look at the coin for very long. She dropped it into her glove pocket and strapped it in. She could feel it fumbling around her hand. "Yes." She replied. "You will hold coin again." She nodded sternly. This drew smiles from the group. They did not seem to know that she was making a life promise. No matter.  

Arem drew breath to speak but just then Ravalin broke the circle and placed a hand on Javakis' shoulder as he whispered into his ear. Ravalin was shorter than Javakis but still a tall one. His skin was pink and his face was very handsome.He, Javakis, had a beautiful smile his, however it was accompanied by fiery eyes of grey blue green and yellow. He was bit rounder than Javakis but still very fit. They were not twins.  

Ravalin looked strong in his Cold Uniform. Beaming white with minimal black trim. He finished what he had to say and urgency came over the face of Javakis. He turned to Creeus. "I need you to take Lady Serepha and go. Now!"  

With that something hit the circle very hard. Serepha would never know what it was but it sent the group and the chest soaring into the air. It took her hearing as well. Snow and stone was tossed with her and blood was present as well. She hit the ground with a strange gracefulness and felt minimal impact.  

She looked around to see snow falling as if sprinkled down from heaven while chunks of stone rolled in place, suspended in the air. Wetness kissed her face some drops snow, some drops blood. The Elites from the circle were seemingly un-phased by any of this. Stone faced and calm but still warm and full of life.  

Body parts began to fall around her. She pulled her shield up and blocked. She dropped her shield down and felt a tugging of her shoulder plate. It was Creeus. He pulled her to her feet using an unseen force. He was yelling but she could not hear. Her ears were still ringing.  

Their pace became a trot and then a run. She looked to her left and saw the ground exploding. Swallowing up several troops. A spray of blood and water blasted her from a different direction.  

When she looked, there were maimed kinde missing limbs and one even had lost his head. The gore was jagged and unhinging. No clean cuts. It was chunky and terrifying.  

Creeus yanked hard on her plate. She must of slowed pace. She blinked the blood and what was now mud out of her eyes. There was a group up ahead. Standing at the mouth of the vessel.  

To the sides Elites were gathering the weapons that had been scattered from the chest. Another blast. This one was closer than the last. It fell Creeus and made Serepha stumble. But her head was clearing. Her training was just at her reach. She pulled Creeus to his feet. They now ran side by side.  

Serepha heard a high pitched shrieking sound faintly from the right side. She turned her head and saw a glowing black blaze of light. It struck the ground. The snow exploded and threw her away from Creeus.  

While airborne, she drew her shield and cuffed it on her forearm. She saw Creeus Bound and leap toward her. Higher and faster than if the blasts had thrown him. He came to a graceful landing next to her. "Follow me!" She said too loud. He did.  

Serepha ran full speed toward the vessel. As she heard the shirking of the black lightning she would adjust her direction and move her shield. Sometimes she would stop and cover them with her shield protecting them from the blasts.  

Once close enough Creeus did his long jump and came down cradled in invisible arms into the vessels mouth. He vanished into hallway. Serepha turned her attention to the new battleground. It was sickening. Of the two thousand troops that were calmly resting a brief time ago maybe a hundred remained. Of those half seemed wounded in some capacity. To her right where the campsite was now hung off a cliff. She was just standing 30 steps away from that very point. Straight ahead the snow was splashed red and speckled with pieces of armored body parts and kinde.  

To her left in front of her was fear itself. A black sphere. Blacker than anything she had ever seen hovered above the melting ice. She knew exactly what it was. An Ebli'sEdmon. There were seven Eblis in there and one Eblis Succor. Monsters that only Arometh himself had been only rumored of killing. And only with one of his twelve swords.  

True fear came over Serepha. She lost her bladder in her armor and began to vomit. She was crying and her heart was racing. She brought one hand to her mouth to wipe the spittle and felt the coin tumbling around. She wiped her mouth and felt a dizziness. Yet somehow the coin made her feel better.  

She had to warn whoever she could. But her body was not responding to her commands. Fear. In the distance, she heard a voice. She turned to face it. As she did, she heard the shirking again.  

She dropped to one knee just as the blast struck earth beneath her. Her shield planted firmly. It knocked against her head as she was tossed into the air again.  

She crashed down hard on the left side of her back her armor absorbing most of the impact. She still stuttered and almost took a knee when she tried to stand. She shook herself, then took a look back at the haunting sphere.  

She started to run and almost immediately tripped over something heavy. She fell and came face to face with Arem. "Help me sister!" Serepha screamed. But Arem did not respond. She lay with that warm, stone look that Elites had.  

She heard a whisper. It was asking to be saved, in her native tongue. Serepha grabbed her by the arm and pulled her toward the vessel. The vessel. Of course, the voices had to be coming from there. It was safe there. It had to be.  

Dragging Arem she felt strong. "I won't leave you. After all you have done for me, sister.” She went to switch arms and felt the coin jiggle in its glove. She spun. Careful to keep an eye on the sphere. It was like a hole.  

Then, from nowhere hands grabbed her shoulders from behind. She howled in fear and flung her shield like a blade over her shoulder. Wind form third stance. It came to her.  

A familiar voice spoke up. "Serepha, let go of Arem she is slowing you down." It was The blonde headed Elite from emailer.  

"I can't we have to make it back together. I cannot abandon her." She replied.  

"Serepha, Arem is dead." Serepha looked down at her friend. She had been pulling the collar of the Elite and failed to notice that she had been severed across her ribcage leaving a head one arm and one exposed breast. Serepha blinked hard. She wanted to get sick again.  

"Come on!" The blonde said. "We have to get to the vessel." The vessel. Why hadn't the Eblis destroyed it. They were obviously not trying to keep things tidy. And the vessel was the only real way the anyone could escape. Arem was dead.  

Serepha had to get to the vessel. It was not a question. She stood and the two ran. Arem was dead. Her shield maiden training was just a breath away. She could be an asset to the remainder of this escape mission. Arem was dead.  

It was the weapons! The Eblis were afraid of the weapons. Or maybe they just respected the weapons. She had to tell the ones in the vessel. The vessel was safe. Arem was dead. But I heard her speak. Her brain wasn't under her control at this point. Obviously. Arem was dead! AREM WAS DEAD!  

Serepha stopped. She pulled in close to the blonde. "Tell them to use the weapons." With that she pushed away and ran back towards Arem. She dodged a couple more blasts but managed to get close enough to Arem to cover her with her shield.  

She looked down at her face. “I know you spoke to me.” She got in close and put ear to her lips. Tiny whispers tickled her lobe. She could make out faint words. In a strange language. Shouts encouraging Serepha to join them at the ship began to become heated.  

But her training. It was not to run it was to protect and to fight. She pulled back from Arem's dead face. Darkness was taking in the cracks of her lips. Serepha noticed that the blackness was moving. She looked closer.  

What seemed to be tiny black arms hundreds of them clawed at Arem's lips. Some broke off and flew into a mist that dissipated in the wind. The rest struggled for footing as it was. The voices were coming from them.  

She looked to the vessel. The sphere began to vibrate. It hissed and made smoke. Serepha could see a few straggling Elites taking the chance to reposition. As did she.  

She ran as fast as her bruised body would let her run. As she approached the vessel she could hear the engines ignite in that high pitched tone.  

Timote and the blonde both beckoned her forward. She refused. "I will not abandon those who live. But I do have word for your leader. Send for them." The vibration of the sphere was gaining momentum.  

Creeus showed his head down the mouth of vessel. "Creeus, I must stay and see who I can save. There are about fifty alive. But I must tell you. Those monsters, the Eblis, they are afraid of those weapons that you found. Do what you will with that information. Goodbye and Arameth give you strength." She turned as if to run off to fight. The coin fumbling in her glove.  

A massive burst of rancid air burst from sphere and knocked everything standing down at once. The tiny black arms were reaching up to feed on the rank air and were growing in size.  

Kinde sized monsters roared to life from the spilled blood on the snow and stone. Iron clad warriors pulled them selves from out of dismembered body parts and severed heads.  

Serepha could see a monster ripping out from Arem's mouth. These monsters looked like kinde in almost every way save their eyes were red with white pupils and they had cold green skin.  

Their clothing was strange to Serepha. Long leathers and furs garbed with hooks and grommets. Chains and strips of flesh hung from the garments. Old, rusted metal plates made for primitive armor; bones and jagged Steele made the weapons that they carried look fierce and dangerous.  

Some had long swords or broad swords others had lances or crossbows. The weapons themselves had been covered in fur as well.  

The monstrosities spoke and greeted one another as old friends. They stretched and popped their bones. Serepha did not know their language well but could make out some of the words.  

The Elites were astounded. They watched in awe and hesitated. The air grew silent. There was a short thin monster that looked like he had a rotting beard. Serepha was close enough to him to see that there was a faint glow and tendrils of deep purple spilled from his mouth.  

He spoke more clear than any of the monsters. "Let's get to it shall we?" He shouted this and the monsters became very hostile.  

The Elites casters went off like giant dart guns with there low hum and thick flinging sound from the hollow tube. Surprisingly, the monsters were definitely effected by their weapons.  

The short one, Serepha assumed somehow, he was the leader, called out and lifted his axe. "Storm Killer, bring me souls!" She made out. With that her eyes met his.  

He took off running in her direction. For truth, she was so tired. He was chopping and hacking his way through Elites as he seemed to keep his eyes fixed on hers. Timote fell. Zelza fell behind him.  

The carnage was unimaginable at this point. Elites fell like snowflakes. Some reaching out to use their magic. Some cowering and covering their faces. Serepha even witnessed one Elite cut his own throat with his large green sword.  

The monster had almost made his way to her. What was she doing? Yes tired, exhausted even. But there was a call to arms. Her body was lethargic but she reached out to her training.  

The monster was slowing as he approached. "A maiden of the shield have we? I haven't seen one of you in more then a thousand years." He said.  

Serepha was puzzled. But she put that away. Pushed it down. She readied her shield raised up at a half push. Badger stance.  

"Oh really, you do more than suck on the cocks of the Swords now?" He spat. "This will be right fun it will." He swung his furry axe with a grunt.  

Serepha dropped her shield to middle push and deflected easily. She quickly countered with a butt from the top of her shield banging the monster in the head. He reeled a bit but bounced back dropping his axe with a thunderous miss.  

Serepha could feel her skin warming even though the weapon didn't touch her. She spun and brought the edge of her shield crashing into his elbow. She tried to get a sense of how strong his flesh was. She could of hit him harder.  

He faltered then regained his footing. He grinned a disgusting smile and came at her again. Serepha could still hear the casters going off. She pushed that down as well.  

Robin stance. He came right at her. She held her footing and blocked his attack. But then she realized what he was doing. He used the edge of his axe to catch the top corner of her shield. She realized a moment too late.  

He yanked down with the force of ten kinde. She pulled back. Just she did he thrust forward throwing her off balance. He batted her shield away and reached in with his free hand and squeezed her left breast. "Very nice! You are a young one!" Serepha pushed that down.  

She went into robin stance as if to dare him to do it again. She heard kinde dying. She pushed that down. The grinning thing took the bait. He hooked her shield again faster than the last time. He pulled harder this time.  

Serepha lost footing and he batted her shield away again and grabbed her other breast. Then pushed her face with the flat side of his axe forcing her to fall into the bloody snow. She immediately went into turtle tuck pulling all her limbs under the shield. She then scurried to her feet to see her opponent waiting.  

"The next feel will be a bit lower Maiden." He oozed with a sick grin. Then he shoved his fingers into his mouth. Serepha took robin stance once more. "Really bitch? You may as well take your pants off as well."  

Serepha stood her ground and he attacked. This time he hooked the edge of her shield and came in close. She braced for the tug. But there was none. He slid his axe down the round edge then pulled the ax handle outward forcing her arm inward. With his free hand he pulled her hair and knocked her forehead against the shield. She bit down on her cheek. He ripped the shield away from her then slapped her so hard her she fell on her bottom. He quickly kneed her in the face. She fell down flat. Dazed. She was seeing sprites.  

His cold hand easily flipped her small frame over face down into the pink snow. With the hook of his ax he snapped the waist of her pants. She was gathering her wits. What was he doing?  

His ax dropped in the snow near her face. And she felt a hand planted firmly on her neck. With one hard pull he ripped her pants from her body. Serepha went into shock. He was... One cool hand clasped her buttock and she shuttered. She went to scream but only found copper flavored snow at her lips. His grip on her neck was so tight.  

"They shouldn't let pretty things like you on the battlefield with demons like me." Serepha squirmed and writhed. She fought to no avail. He was just to strong. She could hear the unclamping of metal. His deep breathing was louder than the war going on around her.  

She writhed and tried to get free but she wasn't strong enough to fight back. The axe he wielded was so close. She would use it to kill him or even herself to avoid his plans.  

She was exposed and helpless. Fear and fatigue was settling in. There was nothing that she could do.  

He moved his leg and locked it inside of her ankle and use the leverage to push her legs open. She felt a spike of fear and she used the energy to fight back. Same result. He was incredibly strong.  

He pushed out her other leg. Serepha screamed into the snow, a howling wail. She wanted to beg him to stop, but she was a maiden of the shield. If only she had her shield. Panic.  

Her mind was grasping as impossible ideas. Heroic timing of an Elite, even Aremeth himself coming in to save her. But she was hopeless. She stopped squirming. She wouldn't give him the pleasure of over powering her as well.  

Her muscles slowly went soft. She released her flexing and rested her fight. She felt his clamp on her neck ease as well. Two bony hands ran along her hips and up under her back plate armor. She felt him moan. Deep. She shivered.  

"Given up have you? Good." He said with evil under his breath. She turned her head and forced out a mouthful of bloody snow. Most was her own blood. Her eyes had a better view of the axe now. It was definitely out of reach of her short limbs.  

She felt him press hard against her and her eyes went wide. Her muscles tightened up again. Especially in her middle. She tried to scream but it came out as more of a yelp or a whimper from a k'nine.  

She felt that hand slam back down on her neck. As he pressed hard trying to penetrate, she could feel his ankle losing pressure on her leg. Quickly she reversed the wrapping of his leg and hers. She used the leverage to pull him back off of her a bit. He made a noise. Probably a cuss.  

She threw back her hand in hopes to grab on to something that would give her an edge. Her open hand found his mouth. It was hot in there. She yanked upward with the strength she found and locked tighter on that ankle.  

Her second leg came free. She immediately locked it in with the other leg. The back of his mouth was soft and fleshy. She thought she could puncture it with her gauntlet. And she tried.  

He reached a hand under her belly as if he was trying to rip through her rib cage. She then used that momentum to roll him over. He crashed down into the pink and black snow and she fell in with her back half on top of him. Still holding his hot mouth as this seemed to cause great pain for the monster.  

They had rolled toward the axe. Serepha's first reaction was to grab it. The Maidens mantra ran through her mind. What would Aremeth think? She jabbed her hand harder into the roof of his mouth. He reacted with great pain.  

Oh how she wanted to grab the axe, but then she saw her shield! She had rolled them away from it but it was in plain view now. To get it she would have to remove her hand from the monster's mouth. Fear. He was now clawing at her breast plating.  

She had to choose. The axe or the shield. In the distance another monster met her eyes. He slaughtered his opponent and was making his way toward her. Quickly. He was laughing.  

'Make a choice!' She told herself. Pulling her free hand across her body she tossed herself onto one knee. She yanked her fingers free of hot mouth of her monster and felt the coin tumbling. She scurried for her shield. With a low run and slide she picked it up in one swoop.  

As she did she could see the sword of the new monster slicing down at her. She went to block holding the shield over her head with her hands at both sides. She thought.  

As the sword came down she released one side of the shield. Deflecting the blow instead of blocking it. A fit of rage rolled over her. It loosened her bones and muscles as it washed over her white skin.  

The monster's sword seemed to slice into the snow at a much slower pace. She pushed her free arm into the arm-hold for the shield. She felt as if her motions were not as slow as the monsters.  

She knew they were, but she had a feeling of focus. She shot a glance at the monster who tried to take her. He had his axe and was rising to his feet. She brought her attention back to the sword wielding monster. Everything felt lucid.  

She shouldered her shield and pushed upward with her legs and felt a blast of power. The muscles in her legs and back rippled with strength as she forced her shield into the jaw of the sword monster. He left the ground with a jolt. With his knees above his head black blood spewed from his mouth and eyes.  

Serepha regrouped and focused on the other monster. Her monster. She set her feet and steadied her shield. Then with that same power, moved like a bolt of lightning into her monster. Right underneath the sword monster. She crashed into the axe monster.Knocking the axe into his throat almost severing his head.  

She felt another rush of power. A surge bigger than the one before. She moved fast and butted her shield into the other monster before he completed his fall. He flew backwards and upside down into a nearby rubble creating a giant snow cloud.  

Serepha was losing herself to that power. It was making her antsy as well as making her feel 'good' in a strange way. She moved over to the axe barer. She reached out toward the axe and grabbed the fur that was dangling from its base. She stepped over the gasping body of her monster; she let her boot hit his head knocking it the rest of the way from his body.  

She took the fur in her hand and yanked it free from the axe. She tied it around her waist. As she did she noticed that the fingers on the glove that were in the mouth of her monster had been eaten away. Her fingernails had turned bluish black, and dark veins had started to run down her hands. She put that away. It was very easy to do so.  

With that, she surveyed the field. About fifteen Elites remained as far as she could tell. Although she did not see them all, she could feel their magic somehow.  

She set her feet and moved to the closest one that was hiding behind a large stone covered in body parts she blended in well, but Serepha had that new way of focusing.  

"Lady Serepha," the young said. "Come hide here. If not, they will see you and know my hiding space." Serepha sighed.  

"Girl, make your way to the vessel. This is no longer safe behind this rock." She said. "Go. I will make sure none will follow."  

"I... I cannot," she pointed to her leg. It had been torn to shreds. In some places, the bone was exposed. "It is taking all of my strength in the Esscent to even stand." 

Serepha stared at her leg. She had been lucky enough to be alive.  

"I have killed three of these things but the last one slowed me down."  

"I see. I will take you to the vessel then." Serepha replied.  

"Have you seen Javakis?" The Elite said.  

"No..." Serepha trailed off. She could sense him. Very clearly. In fact she could sense everyone. Distinct energy signatures that emitted strangely specific information about each kinde. It was a feeling more than anything. "But I know where he is. I can lead him back to you." Serepha could know where everyone was. How far, what there were doing, and the feeling was growing. "But I don't think it is safe here. Can you be moved?" She asked.  

"No, I fear not. I can wield enough of the Esscent to ward off the creatures. But I do not think I can be moved." Serepha could tell by the kinde's accent that she was Iritian. A descendant of War Angels once sworn to Aremeth.  

"I will come back for you then." Serepha said. "All that live, I will save." The Iritian had tears in her eyes, yet a smile. That warm stone Elite face was still there, but Serepha could sense a brokenness. "We will return." She said.  

A flash of intense lust came over Serepha. Dampness slathered between her legs. This took her by surprise. Wide eyed she rose to her feet in embarrassment and took off in the direction of Javakis. He was fighting. He was pushing himself. He was also in great pain. 'Shouldn't she be as well?'  

She was subconsciously putting that away as well. Serepha moved swiftly through the carnage. She came across two more of the monsters and slayed them with relative ease.  

She was now fast approaching where Javakis was. She could also sense Ravalin. He was healing kinde in some sort of hold. She thought to take him back to the Iritian. But another thing took her attention. Low pulses of energy that gave off the same signals as kinde life.